The other night I was feeling my sexual energy simmering…stirring…pouring forth from the cauldron of my womb and pussy as I lay next to my partner on our bed. 

I was turned on and ready to do something about it. I wanted my partner. I wanted him on top of me, inside of me, filling me. 

I wanted it deep and to surrender to the abyss of such an intimate merging of hearts, souls and genitals. I also wanted to take it slow, because it takes me a while to be ready for penetration.

As we writhed around together for a while, I began to sense that he wasn’t into it anymore (which I internalized as “he’s just not into ME anymore”)…

I asked him if he was going to sleep and he made a comment about something that was painful/uncomfortable for him as I was grinding on him. 

Cue the drama. The immediate sexual and emotional shut down. Heart, legs and pussy closed for the night. 

I swear you could feel the wind on your skin from my heart immediately swinging shut. Or hear the sound of a wall slamming down between us. 

I climbed off him, totally closed down and numb, angry and frustrated (at him), pulled my sweater on and mumbled that I was going back out into the living room. 

As I opened the bedroom door, he said “I love you,” and I paused for a moment before saying it back in the most passive aggressive, detached way. Cold and seething with anger beneath. 

I curled up on the couch alone, feeling hurt and also  frustrated with myself for reacting to what seemed (to me) to be his rejection…yet knowing this familiar feeling all too well and weirdly taking comfort in my pity.

Wearing this rejection and pity like my favorite, most comfortable and well-worn sweater. This sweater is practically hanging on by a few threads, tattered and torn, and I still put it on sometimes…

I began to sulk about all that was wrong with me, immediately throwing myself back into the past and all of the times where men have told me that I wasn’t xyz enough during sex or made comments about my body or my sexuality. 

• That I didn’t give them enough blowjobs or satisfy them enough. 
• That my pussy was too hairy.
• That my three days post shave pussy was scratching them. 
• That they didn’t want to see close up pictures of my “snatch.”
• That I didn’t get them hard enough.
• That I wasn’t wet enough. 
• On and on. 

It was almost like I was floating above my body watching myself react and shut down yet I couldn’t stop myself. 

I wanted to punish him. I wanted to deprive him of my love. I wanted to make him feel the hurt and pain that he had supposedly caused me. 

I knew this wasn’t the most evolved and conscious way to respond to the situation, which caused me to berate myself even more, because I’m a sex coach…shouldn’t I know better?

Shouldn’t I be further along on my intimate relationship relating path?

Shouldn’t I be able to transcend my trigger and open again?

Or open even deeper?

Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. I’m human. 

90% of the time I take my own medicine and other times I get lost in my childhood wounds, traumas, shame, conditioning, habits, patterns and triggers. 

Like I’m caught in one of those revolving doors and I can see the exit, passing it over and over again, but choosing to go around again one more time. 

There are a few things I’ve learned about what to do when you feel rejected during sex. 

First of all, why does rejection hit us so hard when we’re engaging in a sexual scenario?

We’re the most vulnerable, open, naked (physically and/or emotionally and even spiritually) when we’re with a partner in sexual or intimate play. 

So to be rejected when we’re naked and open in this way feels like an assault to the very core of who we are. 

The core of where heart, soul and sex meet.

It’s where we can be triggered the most intensely and through that trigger we can choose to consciously open or unconsciously close. 

Not to mention, when we’re naked physically we are just as naked and raw emotionally and spiritually. Everything is out in the open. 

All of what we perceive to be flaws are available to be seen by our partners…and even used against us at times. 

I was angry with my partner (at first) and then eventually angry with myself because his comment about my pussy hit up against my trigger around my pussy being good enough (i.e. around ME being good enough). 

I’ve done so much work to love, honor and worship my own pussy in all of her states yet I’m not bulletproof.

I still have insecurities and wonder if she’s pretty/sexy/clean/shaved/natural/etc. enough. 

As I lay on the couch mulling over my anger, shut down and frustrated I realized that I needed to be compassionate with myself.

I don’t get it “right” all of the time — whatever that means anyways. 

Eventually he came out and sat in front of me on the couch, cradling my leg. I stared off into the distance, avoiding eye contact to punish and deprive him of my love and attention (yes, that sounds awful, but it’s true). 

He asked to lay with me and I scooted over so he could spoon me. I noticed my heart and pussy still tightly shut. 

My jaw and pelvic floor both tight and tense. My breathing was shallow. 

I knew what I needed in order to access the love, desire and intimacy I so desired to experience with him…even though it’s weirdly delicious in a twisted way to feel my pity party and victimhood at times. 

And I resisted it at first.

But the love won out…

I needed to soften…open…surrender to my pain. To my feelings. I needed to stop trying to numb, control or keep them tucked away neatly. 

I needed to express my hurt heart to him. 

I needed to open and soften my heart, belly, pussy and pelvic floor. 

I needed to surrender to the love and hurt that wanted to flow through…not contract and trap it in my chest and pelvic floor. 

This is where sexual energy, desire and love tend to get trapped…hurt covers itself with a cloak of resentment and bitterness and calcifies with angry, cold righteousness. 

Desire and sexual energy kink in the pelvis, shutting off the flow and becomes cold, murky and dry. 

I needed to physically soften and open my body. I let myself breathe deeper. I felt my heart and pussy soften. 

I relaxed my belly. 

All of this was quite subtle, but shifted me into a new space of openness.

I felt what was beneath the anger, resentment and frustration…ancient AND fresh pain, hurt, even a sense of betrayal. 

I was trusting him with my heart and pussy and he was shutting me down in this way? He doesn’t care about me! That’s what my ego hissed in my ear. 

I shared that I was feeling hurt by what he said and that I shut down in response. 

He shared that something I did caused the same response in him…a sense of rejection that shut him down too (I’m assuming as he didn’t say that he felt rejected out loud, but I know what I said and did that shut him down).

This isn’t the first time this has happened…nor will it be the last. 

Sometimes situations like this end in us getting to voice our hurt, apologize and just have a conversation that restores our intimacy, letting us rest at night because it feels (mostly or completely) resolved. 

This was how it went last night. We were able to move into a space of love again. 

Other times…it takes a hotter, even more intimate turn, which is what I want to share with you today. 

Moving through your triggers is a dance…it’s not about trying to transcend above them, because you “should be more evolved or conscious.” 

That’s called spiritual bypassing. I also think it’s trying to bypass your humanity. 

It’s also not about descending for eternity into your murky state of trigger, stuck and trapped in your own inner turmoil, blame, anger, shame and victimhood.

Moving through the trigger happens in stages for me and I’ll share what helps me…

This is exactly what helps me unlock deeper erotic intimacy, love and desire with my partner, which sometimes ends in a hotter sexual and emotional experience. 

This is essentially opening in the face of closure.

(I have a guided meditation on this. You can get it here.)

Before I can share anything from my heart with him about how I’m feeling (hurt, angry, unseen, etc.), I have to access my body AND heart. 

Otherwise I just end up spewing blame, anger and passive aggressive comments at him. Or I refuse to speak entirely. Or I try to cut him down and punish him…whether it’s with comments or my closed off body language. 

I have to start uncovering my heart from the wreckage and rubble of anger and closure that is covering it. I have to let my bleeding, beating heart feel raw, open, soft and surrendered to myself. 

I have to stop kinking my sexual energy and love energy. I have to breathe deeply, soften my jaw, belly, pelvic floor and pussy. 

I have to let myself be vulnerable and open. Like I’m offering myself up to him…offering him my heart and body. 

I have to shift my body posture and speak in softened body language. A body that is willing to bare it’s open heart so vulnerably. 

A body that isn’t hiding behind avoidant, distant eyes, crossed arms, tightly shut legs or a tense belly and short voice. 

Whatever my hurt is in that moment I need to speak its truth to him. Not saying “you made me feel this way,” or, “you did this to me.”

But rather, “I feel hurt. I felt rejected in that moment and then I shut down.” 

I’m still learning a lot about communication honestly and I don’t always do it in a way that brings us closer or turns us on through it…but I do know that sharing my hurt in a way that doesn’t blame, shame, judge, attack or harm him is the way to go.

Taking responsibility for my hurt feelings and speaking in “I’ statements. 

My erotic edge with the communication piece? My erotic edge that I am learning to meet is how can I express my hurt in the moment through my body (voice, touch, sound, breath, etc.) rather than shutting down and harboring it inside until he manages to crack my shell enough for me to shatter and share?

How can I say “ouch” and grab my heart when he does or says something that triggers a hurtful response in me?

Rather than immediately cloak myself in an armor of defensiveness, anger and closure…how can I express what I’m feeling through my body to him. 

A book I’ve loved about this is the Awakened Woman’s Guide to Everlasting Love by Londin Angel Winters and Justin Patrick Pierce. 

I’m working with the wild woman archetype a lot through the Dancing Eros online course, Eros, and I feel like this is totally wild woman territory for me. 

I feel like she would hiss, growl, cackle, wail, yelp, grab her heart in pain when she’s hurt and really use her body to express the hurt, anger, discontent, etc. and communicate to her partner when he’s crossed the line in some way, without needing to go through the whole dramatic shut down situation. 

So this is my erotic edge, because it’s quite vulnerable, raw and primal. It goes against all of my conditioning to be pleasing, pretty, less emotional, less wild, not to seem “crazy and overly emotional.”

Often if I’m super shut down, caught up in a story or trigger…or I feel really pissed off or filled with grief, I need to move the energy.

In order to do that, I move my body in some way. I might need to cry, scream, dance, beat on a pillow or wail. 

I use breath, touch, sound, movement to access and move my sexual and emotional energy. Emotions are energy in motion and most need about 90 seconds of being deeply felt — which I find is most powerfully done through movement — in order to move through us. 

Sometimes your partner(s) can be involved in this. Do you need to be witnessed as you scream, cry, wail, dance, move your body? Do you need them to hold you? Stroke your hair? Look into your eyes deeply? Do you need to (with consent) bang on their chest or back with your fists?

Or do you need to do this alone so you can fully surrender? 

Check in with your body, heart and pussy and let yourself move any stagnant or stuck emotions or sexual energy. 

Often I’ll go downstairs and do something I learned from my recent mentor Regena Thomashauer (aka Mama Gena) called Swamping and I’ll stomp around, cry, wail, scream, pound on pillows and scream bloody murder until I’m ready to pour turn on all over it like liquid golden honey. (Check out the book Pussy for more about swamping)

I also developed my own erotic-emotional embodiment practice called Rage-Grief-Ecstasy last year (pretty similar to and inspired by a personal Swamping experience I had at her Experience Intro event in 2016), because I found that I pretty much always start out with rage, which then unravels into grief, which makes way for my raw erotic turn on (ecstasy) to pour forth. 

Trapped, stuck emotions also keep sexual energy blocked and trapped. Moving the body will allow you to liberate your emotions and sexual energy so it can flow again, which also helps LOVE flow again between you and your partner(s).  

I had a lot of rage and grief to move when I was pregnant with my daughter Scarlet in 2018 and I found that doing this practice was key for restoring my sexual energy and open heart filled with orgamsic love. 

I teach the Rage-Grief-Ecstasy practice in a few of my online courses, including the Orgasmic Pleasure, my 6-week course. (*Doors are open until Midnight EST 7/26 and early bird pricing ends 7/24 at Noon EST. You’ll save $200 if you join before the special ends).

Here’s a taste of how to do it:

Choose three songs. One that invokes rage. One that invokes grief. One that turns you on. 

Find some space where you won’t be disturbed and choose whether you want to be witnessed by someone (your partner, a friend, yourself in a mirror) or not. Dance through each song and imagine freeing your heart like it was a prisoner locked behind bars…behind closure.

Open your body and heart. Your pussy. Use breath, touch, sound, movement to unleash your heart and pussy. Don’t filter yourself. Go into it as deeply as possible. 

Everyone is different and every situation of feeling triggered is different, but at some point you may begin to feel erotically charged or turned on. 

Seduce yourself back home to your erotic nature. To your source of orgasmic heart and unwavering love. Come home to your true nature…of being erotic and filled with liquid LOVE. 

I often find lately that doing this fills me back up with self approval, turn on and I’ve also been able to move my emotions so I can go back upstairs and connect with my partner minus the baggage of blame, closure and anger. 

You’ve got to open to yourself before you can open your heart and legs to your partner again. 

This is where you return to love. Within yourself and with your partner. 

You’ve softened your body posture, connected to your breath, spoke your actual feelings (the hurt or whatever is truly there beneath any anger, shame or blame), have moved your body in some way (even if just for a moment or just by resituating yourself in the space you and your partner are in) and are now ready to return to love. 

I often feel this sparkly, restored quality of light-heartedness after I’ve done this whole process. I can now fully open to my partner and reconnect. Most of the time connecting even deeper and feeling even closer to him…

Which is also the breeding ground for erotic connection and desire to bubble and erupt bewteen us. 

This process has lead to many deep and even erotic conversations into the night or soul-connected, heart-opened, dripping wet pussy lovemaking sessions. 

You can turn rejection and closure into love and erotic turn on.

Sometimes the return to love will be something physical and/or sexual. Sometimes it will be giving one another space. Other times it might be cuddling, talking, sharing memes or whatever else brings you back into the union you share. 

Also know this: it’s a constant practice. I’m not perfect and sometimes I forget and remember all of this over and over again.

Sometimes I let things fester, sometimes I blame, sometimes I shut down for longer than I’d like, sometimes I ignore my practices and hope it will just fix itself.

I’m on this journey too and I’m also here to share and guide you if you’re looking for a friend to hold space for you.

I have a 30-minute Orgasmic Pleasure Breathwork Practice that goes along great with the tips I’ve shared here. You can download it here.

Enjoy!

xx

Amber

P.S. If you want to learn how to cultivate a deeply sexual relationship with yourself and get the practices, techniques and rituals that will help you expand your pleasure, sexual energy and orgasm into your whole body (or deep into your pussy), then join my 6-week Orgasmic Pleasure Course for womxn.

*It’s open for a limited time (until 7/26) with early bird pricing $200 off until 7/24 at Noon EST.