In February I said yes to something that I’d secretly been wanting to say yes to for about three years. And I was downright terrified to say yes to it at the same time.
A month ago I traveled to NYC to attend Regena Thomashauer’s Intro Experience for her program, Mastery. She’s the author of the book Pussy: A Reclamation.
All throughout the weekend I felt this deep pulse between my legs — in my pussy — that was telling me that NOW was the time. That I have to say yes.
I had a feeling when I got on the plane to NYC that I’d end up signing up for her Mastery program, but then my ego popped in with a bunch of doubts and I safely filed it away in the “forget about it” section of my psyche.
“I’ll just go and have a good time!” I naively told myself.
But as I sat in the auditorium with 900-something other womxn over two days…all of us being encouraged to reclaim pussy…I couldn’t ignore what was pulsing deep within me. Just like it had the first time I went to Regena’s Intro Experience a couple of years prior.
Which, by the way, I ignored the pulsing in 2016 when I went to her event for the first time and I do believe it wasn’t my time…yet, but this time? This time I knew deep down it was and is time to say yes.
Let me tell you about my first time at the Intro Experience in 2016.
After the weekend classes, Regena called some of her Mastery grads on stage and I remember the feeling like it was yesterday. It was like erotic electricity filled the air with all the womxn turned on to their sexual-spiritual-emotional selves.
Witnessing these women. You could feel their radiance, their joy…their pussy as an energetic source. I remember looking at them…and more importantly, feeling them…and knowing that it was exactly what I wanted and needed.
Not because I was broken or needed to be fixed or changed, but because part of my erotic light was off. Even after all of the work I’ve done, I’ve ignored the deeper truth of what pussy means for me.
As I watched the womxn on stage laugh, dance, play with pink feathers, flirting with each other, dressed in clothing that made them each feel sexy and playfully telling their stories of how they’d found some kind of deeper magic within the sisterhood of Mastery…within the magic of their own pussies (physical and/or energetic pussy), I knew this experience was the key to my next level being unlocked.
I immediately saw myself on that stage. I envisioned myself on that stage. I felt myself on that stage. Sitting in a pile of turned on womxn. Plugged into my own pussy source. Fueled by sexual energy and sisterhood. Deeply embodied in my own pussy truth.
I could feel how big that was. How scary it was. So I chose to play it safe in 2016 and I said no to joining. But this time? No, not this time.
It was ALL IN or I knew that if I denied myself again, I was denying the very parts of myself that needed to come home. I was denying the sisterhood I’ve been craving so fucking much.
This time I couldn’t ignore the yes, yes, yes that was like a heartbeat in my cervix. Reminding me of my power. Reminding me of WHY I came to the event again. WHY I hopped on a plane to head to NYC, leaving my baby for the first time.
Reminding me that I have to say yes for myself. For my daughter. For the future generations after me. And for my lineage of women before me.
As I made my way to the sign up table to talk to one of her Mastery grads, I felt my heart pounding.
My palms were sweating. I was feeling a LOT of fear, resistance and “shoulds” coming up.
Should I be doing this?
Should I be investing in myself like this?
Should I be away from my baby this much?
Should I be spending this much money on myself when I have xyz bills to pay for?
Should I be doing this for myself when my daughter needs me?
Should I be expecting others to take care of her while I run off to NYC every month for three months?
As I sat at the table looking into the eyes of the womxn who was holding space for me as I processed all of these shoulds and fears, I tuned in. I felt deeply within. My pussy was pulsing. She was alive more than ever, trying to get my attention, screaming YES!
I tuned into a knowing I had over the weekend during one of the performances. A mysterious knowing that I was meant for more. That I AM meant for more.
There’s something deeper that wants to move through me. I felt it and envisioned it during one of the Regena’s introduction performances where a bunch of Mastery grads writhed around on stage in black lingerie and leather to Beyonce’s ‘crazy’ (the slow, sultry one from 50 Shades of Grey).
Some of them gracefully and seductively winding their bodies around a pole as others crawled around on stage, seducing the crowd, themselves and each other.
I saw myself in that. As I sat in the chair at the sign up table, clutching my wallet, I felt the knowing that this was the next powerful step in me fully embodying WHO I am, WHY I’m here and WHAT I’m meant to be doing. HOW I’m meant to be living and serving.
So I said yes. I told all of the shoulds to fuck off. I know they come from a good place of a scared little girl inside who’s terrified of what will happen if she fully rises into, descends into and embodies her power. Her magic. Her pussy.
But it’s time.
So here I am, enrolled in Mastery and ready to begin journeying into the depths of pussy and sisterhood in April when I head back to NYC for the first live event.
Here I am, sending this to you in the hopes that if there’s something you know deep down you’re meant to say yes to…that through the fear, you can see and know that it is your time.
And you can say yes to that which pulses deep within you.
Maybe it’s pussy. Maybe it isn’t.
Either way, trust that pulse. That yes.
I ask you…
What’s longing for you to say yes to it right now?
What has been waiting for you to lean in, listen and finally say yes?
How can you say yes to yourself today? Even if it scares the absolute fuck out of you.
I love you. I see you.
You’re here for great things. I know it.
All my love,
Amber
P.S. Here’s a photo of me after I said YES and signed up for Mastery. They gave each womxn who joined a pink rose.
