This morning I was lying in bed, thinking about how I wanted to feel my partner touch me…and as I brought awareness and breath to my body I realized that I’d been neglecting to ask for more touch recently.
I can tell when I’m not being touched enough. By him, but most importantly, by myself (more on that below).
This morning I felt kind of crabby, resentful and blame-y. I was quickly falling into a downward spiral mentally.
I craved his touch so much. Especially to have him pressed up against me from behind…
Touch is my love language and if I’m not being touched regularly, I feel as though I might die.
Sounds dramatic, right? But it’s true. Deep down in my ancient brain some part of me is wired to associate touch with survival, being loved, cared for and wanted.
So there I was, wallowing in my self-pity party and internalizing my feelings of neglect and projecting it all onto him when I had a profound realization.
I was expecting my partner to give me what I needed and expecting him to nurture me AND turn me on with his touch…yet I’d been neglecting to touch myself as much recently.
It had been a couple of days since my last self pleasure ritual and I wasn’t willing to be the one to stoke my own fires and touch myself this morning.
I was also expecting him to know that I needed touch…not only that, but I needed more of it and I needed it NOW.
How often do we lie next to our partners and secretly crave their touch/love/attention/presence…yet we’re not giving that to ourselves?
Or we’re not even willing to tell them what we need and ask them to provide that…instead we internalize it, fuming inside and thinking “they don’t want me. They don’t love me. I remember when they used to touch me like this…(insert your own complaint).”
How often do we expect that they turn us on…yet we’re not willing to spend the precious time each day turning ourselves on in some way?
I could feel myself spiraling deeper mentally and feeling unwanted, like our relationship was doomed, our sex life was over (I can be verrrry dramatic) and all the things.
I could feel myself angry with him for not touching me more. For not wanting me more. For not wanting to turn me on or come to me with his own turn on.
I could feel my heart and pussy shutting down…a wall rising between us as he slept in the bed beside me. I could feel myself creating stories in my head about what was going to happen next. All based on fear and lack of self ownership.
And then, I took a deep breath down into my belly and pussy. I reminded myself that I’m not immune to this toxic shit…I’m a human…AND I also have enough consciousness to rise above the petty blame and expectations (which literally kills desire and love).
I reminded myself that my turn on is MINE. My pussy is mine. My body is mine. It’s my responsibility, honor and privilege to turn myself on. Not his or anyone else’s.
I reminded myself that my pussy is hot, sexy and dripping in honey (try that mantra on when you go out in the world;)
So I relaxed. I caressed my belly. I cradled my pussy. I took several deep breaths and made a renewed vow to stop excepting my partner to turn me on…and instead to nurture my own erotic nature, pleasure, body, orgasm and turn on.
Only once I’m pleasured and turned on in myself (from myself) can I truly allow him to touch me, please me, love me and bring me pleasure.
If you ever find yourself expecting someone else to turn you on, here are a few suggestions:
- Place a hand on your pussy and breathe deeply. Sound out as if you’re actually experiencing immense pleasure simply from breathing. Moan, writhe around in bed or on the floor, touch yourself. This is great for a quick turn on and reminder that your deeply erotic nature is yours. All it takes is a few breaths this way before you’re feeling juicier.
- Have a deeper 30-minute to one hour daily ritual where you explore your own body, sexual energy, pussy/genitals, turn on. I love things like erotic dance, hot baths, breathwork, jade egg practice, breast massage, self pleasure, pussy massage, etc. Check out my jade egg ebook here for some of these rituals!
- If you want your partner to contribute and/or participate (rather than be the sole provider of) in your turn on, let them know. But start with yourself first. Turn the lens back inwards and focus on your own sexual energy and pleasure. That energy is magnetic and will attract your partner in like bees to honey…
And speaking of honey, it doesn’t hurt to think of your pussy as hot, sexy and dripping in honey…or jewels…or liquid lusciousness. Whatever turns you on. It comes from within you.
I love you.
xx
Amber