In order to embody our sexuality to its fullest, we need to begin softening, opening and relaxing into the subtlety that already exists within. We must be able to thaw the places of frozen sexual energy in our body so that it can flow easily and freely.

We must also be able to locate and unlock those places of sexual and emotional armoring in the body, especially in the heart and pussy.

The entire body can hold armoring, but I’ve found that for so many of us it’s heavily concentrated in the heart space and the genitals.

Anytime you experience something that causes you to contract, shut down or self-protect, the energy and emotions can become locked there in your physical tissues, energy body and emotional body.

It’s just like when you hold stress in your shoulders and you need a deep tissue massage to begin dissolving the contraction, stress and hardness held in your muscles and tissues.

Anytime you feel violated, unheard, unseen, unloved, shamed or like you were too much or not enough, you can contract and continue holding that contraction in the form of armoring wherever the original contraction was felt in your body.

Armoring is a hardness, a protection, that develops to keep us from feeling. But when you numb, contract and protect against pain, you also numb, contract and protect against pleasure and everything else on the spectrum of sensation, feeling or emotion.

The same thing with love. Numbing and protecting against heartbreak, grief or being hurt will also numb your ability to give and receive love. To feel devotion. To be open emotionally.

And because the heart and pussy are connected, if you shut one down you shut the other down. If you are contracted vaginally, you will be emotionally as well and vice versa.

A closed down heart = closed down pussy.

An open heart = open pussy.

While this sexual and emotional armoring can happen from an event (or multiple events) that felt significantly big or overwhelming to your system, it can also happen over a longer period of time. Especially from years of conventional sex.

 

THE EFFECTS OF LONG-TERM CONVENTIONAL SEX 

Conventional sex is doing way more harm than we might think. What do I mean when I say conventional sex? It’s the unconscious, conditioned way we think we’re supposed to have sex.

Very much based on penis-in-vagina (or dildo-in-vagina) and centered around male ejaculation and orgasm. And thanks to porn we now think that a woman should be ready for penetration from the get go and roll into a screaming orgasm or female ejaculation after 2 minutes of hardcore fucking.

That makes me cringe inside…and this literally causes a woman’s pussy and heart to cringe and build armoring over time or instantly (especially if you have a lot of childhood wounding or traumas already stored there).

The cervix will literally contract and retract in protection if a woman is penetrated before she is fully ready. 

Before her heart is opened. Before her pussy is opened. Before she’s begging for it. Before she’s really wanting it. Before her full erectile anatomy is aroused, puffy and fully engorged, which causes the uterus and therefore the cervix to lift up and out of the way.

Often hard and fast sex hurts for so many women because of all that I mentioned above. She’s not ready. She’s not open. She’s not wet. She’s not wanting it…yet. Her cervix is still down so it gets knocked by an invasive cock/dildo, because her erectile network isn’t even engorged.

And every time after that the cervix, and therefore the heart and whole pussy, will contract as if she’s bracing for and expecting pain and unconscious touch. 

Oftentimes we can feel like we’re being invaded. The cervix will certainly feel that way if it’s/she’s not met with conscious, loving touch. 

When your whole pussy is fully engorged, penetration itself can feel orgasmic.

As long as you’re following what kind of penetration you want or if you want it in the first place. 

Usually I find that for me I want it as slow as possible so I can feel every single centimeter of my partner’s cock sliding inside of me and riding those waves of pleasure.

Conventional sex is a trained, conditioned, unconscious way of having sex. And by unconscious I mean we have no awareness around what it is that we’re actually doing. We don’t go deeper or allow sex to unfold as it naturally would if we gave it time and space.

All we have awareness around it seems is to stick the cock in the vagina and pound away until one or both people reach climax. Most of the time overriding the YES or NO of the pussy.

YOUR HOLY PUSSY & THE GATEWAY TO YOUR SACRED YES & NO

Your vaginal opening is the gateway between whether you allow or don’t allow penetration. She is the gatekeeper of your sacred YES and NO. 

If your vagina says no and you override her message and grant entry anyway – whether to yourself or your partner(s), then she will begin to close down. 

It is a form of self-violation and you’ll begin to lose trust in yourself and even your partner(s). Self responsibility in this respect is key for healing the relationship with your pussy and learning what your boundaries are so that you can choose or teach your current partner(s) how to honor them while honoring them yourself, first and foremost. 

Obviously this contraction happens when entry or invasion is forced upon you against your will and healing the relationship with your pussy’s sacred YES and NO is essential for unwinding and softening the armoring in your emotional, sexual/physiological and energy bodies. 

It’s a way of remembering, re-embodying and reclaiming what you feel you might have lost — or had taken away from you — your erotic power, your pleasure, your boundaries, etc. 

So much of the sexual culture also conditions or encourages us to seek outside of ourselves for the next quick-fix. The next vibrator, sex toy, lubricant, condom, sex position or workshop designed to heat up your sex life.

The typical way that the sexual response — of both men AND women, despite our arousal patterns and responses being completely different — is depicted conventionally as a quick build in energy, especially through hardcore pounding and intense penetration, leading up to an explosive peak and then a well-placed cum shot as climax unfolds.

This is what we think sex is. Often for many people, it’s all they’ve known and all they’ve experienced. I think this is one of the reasons why there is so much sexual dysfunction and emotional shut down.

This hard and fast penetration that usually comes from years of conventional sex causes emotional and sexual armoring. Not just for women, but everyone.

It causes us to shut our hearts and pussies down as women. We might even feel underfucked and unfulfilled, craving to be penetrated on a deeper level…emotionally, sexually and spiritually.

I call it being core fucked. 

I know that I spent years craving to be fucked on all levels. I wanted something deeper and I don’t just mean vaginally deeper. I wanted my heart and soul to be seen, opened and fucked.

This is something that a quick 2-minute fuck can’t provide. That kind of depth and opening can’t be reached (typically) through conventional sex.

This lack of proper education around sexuality, the arousal patterns and sexual responses of both men and women and what is portrayed in mainstream media, especially porn, has caused a lot of us to develop layer after layer of hardness, contraction and sexual and emotional armoring.

Men definitely have this too, but I’ll save that for another article. For now I’ll keep this focused on women or those with vulvas and vaginas or those who feel connected to a more “female/feminine” essence.

YOUR HUNGRY VAGINA & OUR CONDITIONED NEED FOR HARD & FAST SEX

We’ve become conditioned to want, crave and need the hard and fast penetration. Over time the pussy (and cock) become desensitized to the subtle, softer and slower pleasure and we need more and more friction, speed and hard fucking in order to feel anything at all.

We go harder and faster because we can’t feel. We can’t tap into what’s beneath the armoring and the armoring is what blocks us from feeling in the first place so of course we seek harder, faster, stronger, deeper — even though this cycle is continuing to shut us all down even more and desensitize us emotionally, sexually and spiritually. 

It’s all about ejaculation and reaching climax as soon as possible. Even women feel their vaginas so hungry for sex because they can’t feel what’s there on a deeper level, yet after sex they still feel that hunger. They don’t feel satiated or fulfilled or even met or seen on all levels.

This kind of sex is counter-intuitive and harmful to women’s hearts and pussies though.

Hard and fast penetration can feel ecstatic when it’s truly wanted…when our hearts are opened, we’re fully turned on and we’ve already been able to welcome the cock or dildo into us in slower, more rhythmic ways first. 

Basically when we’re ready and wanting it only…when our body tells us that we need that kind of fucking to open us deeper. Sometimes you want it fast, hard, deep to pound out an emotion or bring you to a sense of deeper pleasure. I especially love this when I’m feeling rage, deep grief or I just want to be fucked doggy style and feel that rawness.

It’s not about making this style of sex wrong, but how can we actually trust the natural unfolding of sex instead of only doing what we’ve been trained to do?

Sex can be a different experience each time if we truly follow what our body, heart and soul needs in each interaction, which may or may not include penetration in the first place. 

But here’s when it’s not ok to default into conventional sex (which is most of the time, in my opinion)…

Not when it’s the only way to have sex because it’s all we’ve seen in porn or been taught.

Not through a cock or dildo being jammed in before we’re fully ready — emotionally, sexually, mentally, spiritually.

Not when a woman’s body, pussy and heart haven’t even been able to unfold or open fully. When her pussy hasn’t actually said a hell fucking yes to penetration at all, let alone being jackhammered unconsciously.

Not as a way of appeasing or pleasing someone or just getting it over with. Not as a way of getting what you need, which is most likely love and connection, and knowing that you’ll take what you can get instead of asking for something deeper and doing the work (solo and partnered) to de-armor your pussy and heart in order to FEEL and access more.

More sensation, emotion, pleasure, sexual energy, orgasmic potential.

Not as a way of avoiding going deeper, slower or truly FEELING what’s inside of you. So many of us avoid ourselves. We avoid our sexual shadows, our emotions, our feelings because we’re so used to running and hiding from our erotic truth, power, pleasure and FULL sexual, spiritual and emotional capacity. 

We avoid intimacy with ourselves and our lovers. Being seen and seeing someone in their truth. 

It’s so much easier to give in to conventional sex and binge watch Netflix after than it is to slow down, gaze into your partner’s (or your own) eyes and breathe together, move together in new ways and let your sexual energy move at a simmering pace, stirring up all of the stuff you haven’t wanted to feel for years. 

If we’d all just take the time to soften, open and release our emotional and sexual armoring we would realize that we don’t actually need that hard and fast, conventional fucking. At least not all of the time. Not as the default.

What if the default was something else? Something more embodied, loving and honoring?

What if the default way to have sex was to open the heart, connect with sexual energy, soften and relax the sexual tissues to feel more of the subtle energy beneath the armoring and to take wayyyyy more time to work up to penetration (if penetration is wanted that time)?

This is why I’m such an advocate for self pleasure and being in devotion to my erotic rituals each day. My rituals help me do all of that on a daily basis and as a way of living an erotic life.

My practices help me open my heart, connect my heart and pussy, move my sexual energy and soften into what’s already there. Instead of going outside of myself to find something to fix the pain or numbness, I slow down, turn inward and soften into what’s there beneath the pain or numbness. I relax my pussy. I soften and open my heart. I feel things. I feel all of it.

And when I’ve let the armoring go, the hardness, contraction, pain or numbness, I feel what’s been there all along.

The newly exposed sexual and emotional sensitivity might feel raw at first, especially when you’re used to feeling protected by your armoring. It’s like a turtle without its shell in a sense, except that we’re designed to live open-hearted, our pussies pulsing deep within, guiding us to deeper love, opening and pleasure.

I woke up this morning knowing that I had some emotional and sexual armoring to release. I knew that I’d been having too much of that hard and fast sex and it was causing my heart and pussy to shut down. My cervix felt contracted, my g-spot closed down, my heart beginning to armor again.

I realized I had even been forcing myself into self pleasure vaginally too much over the past year and now it’s time to slow down again so that I can soften the armor and connect to the subtle pleasure, sensation and sexual energy…the orgasmic capacity…that exists there beneath my contraction, hardness and armoring.

THE PATH OF SELF PLEASURE FOR DE-ARMORING

This is the path of self pleasure.

Sometimes our self pleasure is focused more on healing. Sometimes we spend that time unfolding, unlearning, softening, opening, relaxing our nervous system and sexual tissues so that they can release their emotional and sexual armoring. The hardness can soften, melt away and what’s underneath — the pure, pulsing sexual energy — can flow freely, without obstruction and protection.

It won’t always necessarily feel orgasmic in the sense that we’re used to. The building of energy to a peak and then a quick release and short-lived euphoric state. The orgasmic state that comes from the healing path through self pleasure is deeper than that.

It can feel orgasmic as your heart breaks open after years of contraction, resentment, anger and bitterness, warm tears flowing down your cheeks. When the heart is no longer hard and armored, when it softens, it is one of the most impactful orgasms you’ll experience.

It is truly orgasmic to feel your heart surrender. Almost as if your heart is exhaling for the first time, long, deep and slow, after lifetimes of being in bondage to the ancient and hard contraction that previously lived there.

Other times our self pleasure is focused more on actual pleasure and expanding our orgasmic potential. You’ll feel the deepened, expanded and heightened states of ecstasy flooding your body. You’ll writhe as the energy moves through you, guiding you to where you need to open more, soften more, breathe deeper, sound louder, express something.

The pleasure will flow through your veins as if your blood itself is a stream of orgasmic liquid. There will be a pulsation deep in your cervix. A softening in your g-spot.

The pleasure will unfold and begin to move from just being localized in your genitals. It will rise up into your chakras, into your heart, into your throat, into your third eye and crown.

It will feel raw and grounded. Cosmic and expansive. Self-actualizing. Implosive. Warm and wet like a waterfall lives deep in your pussy.

There are so many experiences to be had once we remove our emotional and sexual armoring.

So this morning when I felt that way I created a nice, long ritual for myself. I lit some candles and incense. Arranged a peacock feather and some coconut oil to seduce my body awake. 

I did some breathwork and breast massage to open my heart and pussy, connecting them together through love and sexual energy. There were some emotions that surfaced so I let them out. I cried with grief. I let my hurt express itself as my heart opened deeper, which allowed my pussy to open deeper. 

And after 45 minutes I just held my obsidian dildo to my vaginal opening. I was breathing deeply, sounding and gently massaging one of my nipples and gradually, my vagina began to pulse and suck the dildo in. 

I didn’t even notice it until I felt myself reach the curve on my dildo as it nestled deeper into my vagina. I did some vaginal de-armoring and slowly let my pussy pull the dildo in near my cervix. I spent quite some time here, maybe 20 minutes, just breathing, sounding and fully relaxing the sexual tissues around my cervix.

I imagined my cervix and heart exhaling any old pain, contraction or numbness. I felt myself soften and open and once again, I could access the deep erotic pulse that, like a heartbeat, lives in my cervix. 

It was the kind of orgasmic experience that comes when you take the time to soften, to open, to feel and be present with the subtle — yet deeply powerful — energy and sensations that exist beneath the armoring. 

A FEW PRACTICES TO DE-ARMOR YOURSELF, SEXUALLY & EMOTIONALLY

• Release judgement and simply meet the space within you that can hold unwavering presence and simply become aware of how you’re having sex, whether that’s truly serving you, where the armoring is showing up in your body and what you might be numbing out, avoiding or repressing
• Make it a regular practice — at least once per week — to de-armor your pussy (which will also de-armor your heart naturally)
• Slow down your sex and self pleasure sessions and hold your dildo or lover’s cock/dildo at your vaginal entrance. Breathe deeply, soften your sexual tissues and ask your pussy if it’s a yes or no to penetration today and honor that
• Connect your heart and pussy together before allowing penetration and make sure you express any emotions to yourself and your partner; before, during and after sex (any kind of sex)
• When you experience an emotion, let it move through you instead of contracting it. Most emotions only need 90 seconds of non-judgmental space to be felt and held before flowing out of you.
• Consider looking at what your own conventional sex patterns are. How is this style of sex long-term effecting you? How open or closed does your heart and pussy feel before sex? Are you avoiding going deeper and slower to feel something inside of yourself?
• Look into a jade egg practice as a way of going deeper within yourself – vaginally, sexually, spiritually, emotionally. Download my free 7 Jade Egg Secrets for Deeper Vaginal Pleasure & Orgasms ebook here to start.

I’ll be sharing more on this very soon and I may even write deeper on how conventional sex and emotional and sexual armoring affect men or those with cocks too. For now you can check out my video on how to de-armor your vagina and start there.

All my love,

Amber