I’m going to share a pretty vulnerable part of my body healing journey with you today…a part of myself that really no one knows to this depth. I want to share this with you, because in a world where women are objectified and young girls under the age of 10 are going on diets, this really needs to be brought into the light. 

I’m going to lead you through a bit of a timeline journey from the youngest age I can remember being IN my body. Minus being a baby, because I do have some random memories of being weaned off of my bottle and such…maybe that’s really where it starts…

Age 2-3

I’m so in my body, sensuality, pleasure, and erotic energy (sexual energy–the same energy that created you and I along with this very blog post) that I’m able to experience full body orgasms. I quickly become addicted to not only the ecstasy of the pleasure itself, but the fact that I feel closer to God–whatever that meant for me at such a young age. I didn’t call it God then and even now the Divine has so many names for me that all really refer to the same divine energy source I can feel, within and without (God/Goddess, the Divine, Universe, or even sometimes I just connect to mama Earth’s energy herself).

I become so addicted to the pleasure that I’m obsessively accessing my erotic energy by basically humping the floor and anything else in my path. My family doesn’t understand what I’m doing, and who can blame them considering how fucked up our society is about sexuality and the like? They begin to take me to a doctor and I vaguely remember having to blow on a piece of tissue (maybe to help me calm down??). 

This is when my blocks and beliefs began to form. I also believe in past lives so I think I’m experiencing a lot of the same blocks/beliefs/patterns that I’ve been battling and healing for many lives. You don’t have to believe in past lives, but I just wanted to mention it in case you’ve ever wondered about it in your own body and life. Here’s what felt true for me at that young, innocent age…

“It’s not safe to be IN my body…or this pleasure…or anything that is natural and innate to me–like my erotic energy/sexuality, femininity, and sensuality.”

“Feeling this good is dirty, bad, wrong, and God will send me straight to hell for it.”

I wasn’t raised religious, but I had to go to church with my uncle and cousins several times and it was always the worst experience for the free-spirited little me. I didn’t like being told that pretty much everything I felt naturally in my young body was a straight shot to landing me on Satan’s lap in the fiery depths of hell. 

“I am weird, unlovable, and something is wrong with me.” 

“I am broken. I need to be fixed.”

Have you ever thought anything like that, whether conscious in the moment or not? Chances are if you’ve done any healing work, especially inner child work, you’ve unearthed some precious bullshit gems like those. Maybe even the exact same ones.

These beliefs are really common, sadly, especially in women since we are conditioned like mad to detach from everything that makes us powerful, beautiful, and embodied as sensual, feminine, sexual (and yes, even erotic!) creatures and beings.

This is basically where it all began…all of my disconnection. All of my pain and shame, hidden emotions, repressed sensuality, femininity, and sexuality. All of my fear of surrendering into pleasure. All of my guilt, trauma, and hardness in my heart.

Age 3-10

Now that those beliefs have solidified themselves in the very DNA and codes of my womb, heart/breasts, and yoni–I was literally reprogramed to go from innately trusting to unconsciously mistrusting myself on all levels–I still find myself obsessed with my pleasure and feeling that erotic ecstasy in my body. The only difference is now I hide it from everyone.

I “self-pleasure” (GASP! Should a young child be touching herself like that?! Ummm yes…everyone does it, but more on that another day) in hiding almost every day. And then immediately afterwards I feel so guilty, dirty, and filled with shame. Not only that, but my pelvic region and entire groin is filled with pain every single time, but I can’t seem to stop.

During these years I was also bullied by some of my “girlfriends” and even some boys from school. One day the boy I like has his friend hold both of my arms as he kicks me straight in my womb space. I cry every day for as long as I can remember, hating school, hating myself, and wishing they would all just leave me alone. I started to despise both the feminine and masculine equally. Nothing is safe. Being me isn’t safe.

Age 10

Someone on the school bus asks me if I’m anorexic. I have no idea what it means, but wonder if I am. After all, they said I was, so I had to be right?

Age 11-14

This is the time where my body begins to change. Pubic hair starts coming in. My breasts are slightly beginning to form and I’m feeling so awkward. I feel so out of place in my body. I start to form habits around eating, because all of the boys at school tell me I’m too skinny and have no curves. The girls tell me I’m not pretty like them.

I come home every day for a long period of time and binge eat all of the carbs I can stuff into my 90 lb body. A whole box of spaghetti. Oatmeal. Piece after piece of bread with butter. Potatoes. An entire pizza every day.

Meanwhile, a slight version of body dysmorphia begins to settle in. I hate everything about myself. I hate my face—every single feature. I hate my skinny body. I want to be prettier. I want to have curves. I want to feel noticed, loved, accepted and no longer awkward, unloved, and weird.

I obsess about my face and body every day. Sometimes I don’t want to leave the house. I slather on makeup to hide what I hate. In fact, so much makeup that I leave stains on my boyfriend’s clothes. Somehow I can’t manage to share the real me with him. I can’t even kiss him. I’m too scared. What will he think if he really knows me?

I stand in front of a mirror one day, hating my body, tears streaming down my face and imagine having a red pen like the plastic surgeons do. I envision circling everything about myself that I hate. I envision being different. Being pretty. Being loved. Being the complete opposite of who I am. Different eyes. A different nose. Different hair. Different skin. Different everything.

I sob helplessly on the bathroom floor as I realize that in my vision my whole body is covered in lines and circles, the color of blood red.

Eating all of those carbs begins to “pay off” and my weight increases to 106 lbs. I’m ridiculously proud of myself. I go to a friend’s birthday party and several girls and boys comment on how I’m “filling out.”

I feel seen. I feel alive. I feel beautiful. But it doesn’t last long.

Have you ever seen the movie Mean Girls? It’s a good movie, still one of my favorites, but at the age I was when it came out, I became even more obsessed with gaining weight and becoming prettier.

In the movie, the main character sabotages the head popular girl by feeding her something called a Kalteen bar, which helps with weight gain. I remember becoming more obsessed with food, wishing I could have something like a Kalteen bar in my life so I could improve my curves. 

I get my hair bleached blond and wear even more makeup so that I can pretend I’m someone else.

Age 15-16

I get the braces I’ve had for the past few years removed and finally start to feel somewhat beautiful. I dye my hair dark brown and decide to let my eye brows grow back in again after almost plucking them completely off after being teased for having bushy brows.

Somehow my body starts to naturally shed the weight that I’d gained and my eating habits begin to return back to the ‘normal Standard American Diet.’ I’m still eating a lot of  habit foods (spaghetti, pizza, junk food daily), but I don’t obsess much about gaining weight anymore.

I go away with my best friend for the summer and finally feel a small glimpse of hope that I’ll love myself one day.

I kiss a boy for the first time and although I liked him and felt more like myself than I ever had, I still felt like I was operating from a space of trying to entice others to like and accept me.

I spend my summer running around in my swim suit, getting a tan, and trying to accept myself.

I return back to school and meet someone who changed my life. I fell in love. Hard. For the first time.

He’s not my type at all and he makes me feel so damn insecure. He’s one of those ‘emo boys’ that your mother warns you about. I find myself feeling lost in his love and lost in still hating myself.

I sink into darkness and notice myself shifting and changing into someone else. I dye my hair black, listen to screamo music, and start to become obsessed with what it would be like to die. It’s not that I want to commit suicide, but I begin a love affair with a darker, creepier energy inside of myself.

Every day I go home and eat the usual habit foods and my belly bloats instantly. I feel uncomfortable, but don’t know what else to do. I struggle with acne and feeling like I want to crawl out of my own skin. Food is always my source of comfort. Sweets and carbs are my poison.

I give up thinking that I’ll end up with this boy that I’m so in love with. I also get tired of my restless sexual, erotic energy. I spend a lot of nights up late on my parent’s computer, reading x-rated stories written by ridiculous teenagers (can anyone possibly be fisted THAT many times and still want more?) and posting depressing pictures to my Xanga wall.

I start to dabble in yoga and even start to tap back into my sensuality again, but this sensual, sexual energy is almost too much for me. The feelings of being so uncomfortable in my body, half from always being bloated from my poor food choices and the other half from my under-expressed and hidden sexuality, continue growing.

Age 17-18

I start taking more art classes and ceramics classes in high school and dabble every now and then in yoga. I start to dabble in trying to make my own food a little bit and trying to figure out how to love myself as I am. I’m gifted a book written by the Dalai Lama, which starts to open my spiritual side up more. I become obsessed with writing poetry, painting, writing letters to my friends in school, and exploring dream psychology.

I meet another guy at school and feel lukewarm enough about him to ‘lose my virginity’ to him. It’s on Valentine’s Day, behind a motel, in his truck, and I’m forced to be on top, which is incredibly painful.

I enter into a relationship with this boy for a few months and cry almost every day. I feel so lost. I don’t love him, but I feel obligated to keep seeing him. We break up right around my high school graduation and I feel a sense of heartbreak and freedom.

I keep sleeping with him for several weeks after, feeling as though I have no power or control over this sexual energy, this body, this need to love and be loved.

Age 18-22

I start to work at a 9-5 job and decide to attempt community college. I go for a few semesters before deciding it’s not for me. I meet someone at work, get engaged, and we break up like five million times.

I start to get really interested in making my own food. I land across a random blog about veganism. I dive deep into committing to veganism. I decide I’m going to move to California to attend nutrition school.

My fiancé doesn’t really want that so I decide to scrap that dream for now. I move out on my own and spiral even more into forcing myself to eat perfectly. I refuse to eat at restaurants. I barely go out. I won’t drink alcohol or eat anything that isn’t 100% vegan, organic, or raw.

My body feels good at first, but then she starts to hurt again. My stomach is bloated every night. My acne is worse and it has spread all over my body. More than half of my hair has fallen out and my eyesight is so bad that I can barely see colors as vibrantly. I lie down on my bed, staring at the ceiling as it spins. I have a slight case of diet-induced vertigo, but I refuse to tell anyone that I was wrong. Not after having defended my diet choices to everyone that I loved.

I continue being vegan for a year and a half, that of which a year was spent with me in denial of my body’s signs that she was shutting down.

I ignore her and eventually find that I have no libido for myself or life anymore. Life has begun to take its toll on me. Sex with my boyfriend feels painful and I can’t find the courage to tell him what I need. I always feel unfulfilled and lost during and after sex.

My body is in crippling pain and my weight has dropped down to 89 lbs. Everyone tells me I look like a ghost, but I can’t give up this lifestyle. I can’t NOT eat perfectly. I spend hours upon hours soaking, sprouting, juicing, dehydrating my food.

I find myself being lulled into a dull sense of living. ‘Where has my pleasure gone?’ I wonder one day to myself. Eating food used to be so enjoyable to me, even though it wasn’t the healthiest, I loved it. Now food feels so bland. My body is struggling and I can’t even face the fact that I am not happy.

I stumble across the Institute for Integrative Nutrition online and write down in my journal that I’ll attend that program one day. A year later, I’m enrolled and finally feeling the clouds lift.

I decide that the charade of my diet that I’m hiding behind needs to change. I admit to my boyfriend (and myself) that my body is craving to eat animal products again. I realized this one day when my boyfriend was cooking some grass-fed meat he bought from Whole Foods in coconut oil and I felt ravenous for it. I walked into the kitchen, sniffing wildly, primally, wanting it, but denying myself the needs and pleasure of my body.

I learn more about my body and loving myself through IIN. I start connecting with others, trying out new foods, and learning to eat based on my intuition. I feel free and alive again. Pleasure starts to sink back in slowly, but still not so much sexually, although I still continue to pleasure myself often—still with guilt and shame.

I begin to connect with my menstrual cycle, seeing it as sacred, and learn the power of sacred rituals. My sensuality begins to blossom here, although it’s not noticeable to my conscious mind.

23-26

This is where my story really blossoms. This is where I find myself. This is where I awaken my sensuality, sexuality and erotic energy, my pleasure, and feminine essence.

My boyfriend and I break up for good and I’m left heartbroken, lost, confused, but with hope. I see the light. I know there’s something on the other side that is going to change everything for me…

I move to a new place by myself and burn myself down to the ground and rise from the ashes anew like the Phoenix. I dabble in a relationship with that boy from high school (yeah, that one), but it doesn’t work out.

During that time, I realize that something is still off–yes, something is missing. I love myself, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. There’s another piece…but I don’t know what it is yet.

I spend the next year learning to use a jade egg, Shakti wand, and awakening my sensuality, sacred sexuality, and finding pleasure in all areas of my body and life again. I do a lot of work healing my inner child. 

I shift from health coaching to sharing my journey of sensual and sexual awakening with the women I know. I realize this is how I’m meant to serve. I struggle every now and then with food and my body issues, but it’s not like before. 

I have some experiences with anxiety, emotional eating, and feeling grounded in my body for a while and even have a conscious binge eating session to gift myself with surrender in my food choices. It’s from a space of compassion, forgiveness, and never-ending love.

I finally fell in love. With me. I start to embrace my inner shadow seductress, my wounds, the beliefs. I open my sexuality up like an unfurling red rose and begin to share it even deeper.

I shed layer after layer of shame, guilt, pain, trauma, and hatred for my femininity, pleasure, sensuality, and sexuality. I continue honoring my intuition and allow myself to step into the role of becoming my own Beloved and Lover.

And here I am now. Fully ME. Fully embodied in all that makes me a sensual, sexual, erotic, powerful, sovereign, feminine, confident woman. It has taken me years to get here, but I’ll never forget all of the moments that have sparked the next layer to be shed or unraveled. 

All of the beautiful souls who have supported me or sparked something in me. All of the random YouTube videos, blog posts, books, and interviews I’ve seen, read, or listened to that have shifted paradigms within my body, heart, and soul. 

Sometimes you’ll never know the affect that something or someone will have on you until one day you reflect back and realize how much has shifted for you. And all because you met someone, went somewhere, or read something, etc. 

I want to take a moment to share an amazing woman with you who did just that. I stumbled upon one of her random YouTube videos a few years ago as I was shifting out of the vegan diet and learning to connect with my menstrual cycle, body, and pleasure again. 

Her name is Carly Morgan Gross and she’s such a beautiful soul. I resonated so deeply with Carly’s story, videos, and blog posts because we shared a lot of similarities in our journey, especially with our bodies and making peace with them AND food. I’m sharing this with you, because Carly has a really special offering she’s put out into the world and I want you to know about it. 

If you’ve ever struggled with eating in a way that not only nourishes your body, but brings you pleasure or if you’ve ever struggled with feeling whole, loved, and grounded in your body, then Carly’s new 4-month FOOD BODY PEACE Masterclass may be a good fit for you. 

Trust me when I say that I only share things with you (whether people, resources, offerings, etc.) that are near and dear to my sensual heart and that I can confidently stand behind. You don’t have to struggle with your body anymore. You don’t have to feel ‘incomplete’ or ‘broken’ or ‘unhealed’. You don’t have to count calories, follow fad diets, deprive, or starve yourself.

Carly will show you how and if anything, I hope that my story and Carly’s story and offering will help you to slowly shift the way you care for your sensual, pleasurable, sexual body as a woman. Food is a big part of that. Food, sensuality, and sexuality plus our desire(s) really do affect one another and intertwine. 

Check out FOOD BODY PEACE here, lover.

P.S. If you decide to join Carly for her 4-month Masterclass, which begins May 15th, and you sign up through my link, I will make some divine money from it. I just wanted you to be in the know!

P.P.S. If you want to get to know Carly a little more, listen to our Sensually Embodied Woman Podcast episode where I interview her about her course Sexy Self Care (which you get FREE access to if you join FOOD BODY PEACE! It’s a $297 value..so it’s a pretty sweet deal.) 

P.P.P.S. If you sign up, you also get some other juicy bonuses, including a free class from yours truly on sensuality, embodiment, and pleasurable rituals among a few other amazing experts! Check it out here.

Now over to you, did you find any moments in my story that resonated with you? I’d love to share and support one another. 

Sending you so much love!