As I write this I can feel my body trembling, my eyes welling with tears and my whole body sweating. It never feels like the right time to say goodbye. This whole thing just doesn’t feel right or real.
I was afraid to share this. It’s still very raw, painful and new for me. It’s not even a scar yet…not even close. It’s still a gaping, fresh wound. A deep dark hole and emptiness in my heart.
A mix of emotions that wakes me up in the night and makes me feel confused about what’s real when I wake each morning only to remember the pain again.
When I thought about not sharing it with you, it felt incongruent. It’s not easy grieving, losing someone we love and saying goodbye. It hurts like fucking hell. But sharing this felt like all I could do right now.
I felt ready enough. I’ll never be fully ready.
I also know that I can’t do, support, serve or share anything else until I’ve shown my bleeding heart to you. Until I’ve allowed you to see me in this dark place.
So here goes…the process of grieving and mourning continues and life moves on, even when it feels like the world is falling apart inside of me.
And to my father: I love you dad. Forever and always.
We had a memorial to celebrate my father’s life on Saturday the 9th. We had him cremated and his remains placed in a Star Trek urn. He loved Star Trek and it feels like the perfect representation of him.
My dad was goofy, silly, an amazing builder of things. I swear he could fix or build anything. He was funny, kind and a friend to everyone he met. He touched the lives and hearts of many and he will be missed so deeply by me and many others who loved him.
I created an altar for his memorial with candles, roses and rose petals. At home he sits on one of my personal altar surrounded by candles, roses and burning frankincense.
I love you, dad. RIP.
With love,
Amber
Amber, I have no words to tell you how seeing your pain makes me wish nothing of this had happened to you. You are such a brave woman and every day I admire you more. I can’t hug you, but I want you to know that you are deeply loved by many who follow you, including me. Thank you for sharing, teach us and crack us open to love both the light and the shadow inside us. Your father must have been an amazing man to nurture a woman so beautiful as you are. I send all my love to you and your family. I am truly greatful for you in my life, and I am sure all women you have touched with your message feel the same way. A thousand times thank you, Amber.
Hi Laura, thank you so much! Your words have touched me so deeply and I truly appreciate you for offering your love and kind words. I know that I will be able to continue living my life carrying the beautiful parts of what my father taught me and the qualities I have of his. I can feel the love even though you and I are not in the same space at the moment. Thank YOU.
With love,
Amber
Hi Amber ,
I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your dear father.
My sincere condolences to you and your family. I can imagine how you feel as I also lost my both parents. Sending you prayers, hugs and much love.
May your father rest in peace. BLESSINGS to you and your family.
Chipo
Thank you so much, Chipo. I appreciate you for taking the time to comment and share your love and condolences here with me. It means a lot.
With love,
Amber
Amber, thank you for being authentic and to open your heart with all of us.Thank you for allowed to be seen and your vulnerability and strenght. Your father must been have an amazing man, still he is. I send you so much love and grattitude. Blessings.
Camila,
Thank you so much for sending love and gratitude. I can definitely feel it surrounding my body, heart and soul. My father was an amazing man and I will continue to keep his memory alive within <3
xx
Amber
Amber, you are such a beautiful soul. Even more to me now that you are so open about your pain. Losing someone we love is so hard! I send you my love and wish you healing and peace. May these moments guide you to live fully in the love of your precious,Father.
Thank you so much, Nadine!
xx
Amber
hey,
just wanted to ask and see how you’re doing, it now being 2 years since you and your families loss.
i wish i could explain certain things in life, like why things happen or maybe just how. is it some unexplainable, mysterious inner workings taking place behind the scenes in certain moments in our lives, or is it purely coincidence .. and nothing more..
I’d like to think i wish i knew.. but maybe if we did, we’d like to wish we hadn’t.
regardless, thank you for this.
your father seems like he was an amazing person, it’s refreshing to see he was able to pass that onto you.
Hi Mike,
Thank you for checking in. There has been a lot of processing of rage, grief and many other emotions over the past two years. But also so much joy after having my daughter and understanding a deeper level of the life-death-birth-rebirth cycle. My father was amazing and I’ve received so many gifts from him in this whole experience. Still grieving and mourning the loss and feeling ALL of the emotions though.
x
Amber