Have you ever been in the middle of having sex (or self pleasuring) and found yourself feeling overwhelmed by the urge to cry?

Or maybe you finish having sex and the tears begin to well in your eyes.

Maybe you choke them down, roll over and avoid facing your partner.

Maybe you give yourself some space to feel and process.

Maybe your partner notices and reacts or maybe they hold space for you to cry.

Maybe they want to fix the situation and make it better.

Maybe you embrace the tears. Or maybe you try to hide them and pretend it’s all okay.

The other day my partner and I had just finished a really intense lovemaking session and as soon as he finished, my whole body just burst into this strong emotion of sadness and release. I immediately curled into the fetal position and began to cry.

It was something about the position we were in and the welcomed intensity of his thrusts. It was literally like he fucked something OUT of me. Something that had been lurking, hiding and secretly taking up too much space inside of my body and heart.

I could literally feel the energy of grief and release rising upwards through my body as he thrusted and I knew I needed it to move up and out of me.

This is why I love sex as a form of holistic healing. Sex, for me, is not just about genital friction, orgasm and pleasure. That’s part of it, which I love, but it’s also about the healing that takes place. Emotionally, sexually, physiologically, mentally and spiritually.

There are certain sex positions that can actually help us release or process certain emotions. The positioning can allow a cock or dildo to stimulate a certain reflexology zone in the vagina that connects to the energy of an organ corresponding with that zone (like the liver, heart, kidneys, etc.).

Not to mention the energy of the position itself. I know when I feel sadness going into sex that I can’t do positions where my partner is behind me. I need more intimacy, connection and closeness. I need him to look into my eyes and stay close and connected so that I know I’m safe.

If I’m feeling rage, doggy style position can help me open up and get that primal energy out.

Sex truly is medicine, whether you’re engaging solo or partnered.

That night my heart cracked open and with each thrust he was pushing this deep seated grief out of my body.

When I rolled over to process, he curled up around me and just held me as I cried. He asked me if there was anything I needed to talk about, but all I needed was to feel his warmth around me, his heart beating against my back as I felt all of the sadness that surfaced.

Sometimes I know why I’m crying. Sometimes I don’t. Other times it feels ancient…like lifetimes old. Or it feels like a mix of things.

I knew part of it was grief surfacing from deep down around my father’s death. Some of it was sadness as I “lose” my identity of my body being my own through this pregnancy. Some of it was a sadness about what might change between my partner and I after we become parents.

I allowed myself to simply feel the sadness and cry. I didn’t need to be fixed. Talking can help sometimes, but not before fully feeling the emotion rising and flowing through. Otherwise if we don’t acknowledge, feel and move the emotional energy, it can stay trapped and eventually block our sexual energy.

Sexual energy itself can amplify things, but it’s also like fire that burns through your body, moving stuck emotions (which are just energy in motion) and alchemizes anything that isn’t serving.

That’s why we can feel so much during sex or self pleasure. Sexual energy is literally coursing through us, clearing out the old and awakening us to the new pathways beneath it.

The very first conscious self pleasure ritual I created for myself opened my heart and emotional body so deeply that I spent most of the session crying and releasing as I penetrated myself deeply for the first time. 

Many of my sexual experiences with myself or my partner allow me to feel so free, held, loved and safe that I can truly let go and surrender to what has been hiding or repressed within. Like fear, grief, rage or pure bliss. 

So the next time you feel like crying during or after sex, here’s what I invite you to do:

​Check in with yourself. Do you need to stop? Or keep going? Do you need a certain position to let it flow better? What’s going to allow you to feel and move the emotion better?

If you do need to stop, let your partner know that you’re feeling something intense, that it’s not about them and that all you need them to do is xyz (what do you need them to do? Listen? Hold you? Give you space?)

Meet it with love. Allow yourself to simply feel everything without needing to analyze, judge, shame or figure out why it’s there or where it comes from. You may know why it’s there, but you may not. Either way, just feel it as energy inside of you moving through, up and out of you.

Embody the emotion deeper and fully. What might your body need in order to fully move this? Do you need to sound out wails, cry harder, put your body in a certain position, dance, punch a pillow, scream or push your hands (with consent) into your partner’s chest?

​The next time you feel the urge to cry during or after sex or self pleasure, instead of choking it down or trying to keep going anyway, stop, listen and ask yourself what you really need to move the sexual and emotional energy.

Crying during sex can be so healing and leave you feeling 1000x better and lighter than before.

I’d love to know — Do you ever cry during sex? If so, what is your initial reaction towards yourself? What do you need to fully process?

With deep love,

Amber